Identity………….. lost in tethered emotions

An unexplained question for all of us is – “Who am I”. This question might seem as a very irrelevant question but when we ask ourselves this question then we don’t get any credible answer. As if we are sinking in a sea of anonymity. It’s very strange but, the person with whom we spend maximum time seems like a stranger. If this is the case then how can we believe in others? We take our identity as our possession in our life. But is it true or does it has something else with it. I will try to address this thing with the help of a poem and a story.

I am still in a mess

am I born with a body and a soul?

if I am a body , I know myself,

but if I am soul too then what is my goal?

am I just a boy or more than that,

Just confused with my identity,

am I a thing to be used,

or a precious creation of vanity.

I am still in a fix of life,

where I relate myself with material,

I have no price tag with me,

but everything else for me is a monistic cereal.

I am lost in greed and deed for lust,

trouncing everyone out of my way,

I want to be a king,

of the world where thoughts doesn’t sway

I am doing things as it is,

Understanding noting from deep,

I create nothing for lives,

But inside me has 1000 pains to keep.

So when will I get my true identity,

When I will be free from this jar,

I want to be free from tears,

Give me my identity, leave me,

Why me yaar?

 

A boy narrating a story –

When I was born, nurse told – “It’s a Boy”. My parents were happy and I still don’t know the exact reason of that. Is that happiness of being a parent or of a birth of a child? I saw their smiling and happy faces and countered them with my smile. They made me learn to walk, to write, to smile, to speak, to express, to love and it continued for 8 to 10 years.
When I went to school my mom told me – ”My dear son study hard and always be on the top rank”. Nothing else was in the priority for next 10 years. Only one thing around me was – study hard and score marks. My life was totally connected to it, my smile, my tears, .my whole life, and if sometime out of frustration I reverted to Mom that “Why mom “Why”?” I received the reply -”Son you have to live happily and to live happily you have to take Science or Commerce, because after taking science you will become engineer or doctor and then you will get a job with high package. After that you can do whatever you want. You will live happily. Just for initial 20 years or so, you have to study hard and after that once you get a job your life will be full of happiness. So I tried hard for the top rank.

When I was in 11th class my parents told me –“Son, now you have grown up and you have to get a good job. You took Science as a stream and you have to be in the top percentage zone because in this world there is lot of competition and becoming an Engineer or Doctor is not an easy task, so better join a tuition centre and study 8 hours a day”. That was the 1st time in my life when I was scared to death. I was never so scared, even in complete darkness while playing or sleeping. But even then I kept on moving with a belief that what they say must be true. I took tuitions. In this period of two years when I remember the days I recall that parents talked to me mostly about my studies, my school marks, units test and exams. Those two years I was like a refugee with my 16 hours (excluding sleep) dedicated to school and tuition. When I asked my teacher and parents about the reason of all this pity, they said- “Science is very tough……Engineering and Medical are very tough ……….you have to take entrance exams………you are not doing well in your school exams…..how will you do good in your future…….you will not get a good job……you will not be able to live and eat properly”. So I again kept on studying …………..my interests (sports, poetry) were like an alien subjects considered as “out of a normal life”. I used to hear one line “You have whole life to do whatever you want”. So I believed this myth and went ahead with the studies.
When I was in final year of Engineering, my friends and parents told me – “Choose a high package job because you will have money and if have money you will be happy and then you can do anything. You will have a big house….big car…….and that is what a happy life is”. So I saw around my world and got the same vibes ………. I went ahead and got selected in campus placement…….and was the happiest person in the earth………because of the inflow of money………….I made dreams of cars ….a big home…..smiles….and happiness forever.

I went for my job and got my first salary and was very happy about it. I thought I will move up the hierarchy and will get more money to buy whatever. But during this period, my parents told me- “Don’t spend money too much, you are spending too much, control it and then I replied “Come on mom, now I am earning, I got the job through campus selection not by any approach. You told me that you can enjoy life after you get the Job……….Let me Enjoy”. But the same words of parents about saving money, spending less continues and after one year or so I realize that the job is like slavery, means if you are able to please your Boss you will be the best man in office otherwise nobody cares about you. In most corporate we show rosy pictures to the world outside and from inside everyone knows the truth. Being in management means, a complete slave, meeting at 9 in night or 8 in mornings and then I asked to myself – “If I have to be a slave only then why did I studied for past 22 years? I got the answer “Money” and then I replied ”You never told me that I have to be a slave for a man, my entire day will go in office, I will not have any time for myself, no enjoyment……nothing…only work and money……….I never wanted this kind of atmosphere………………..this is mental slavery” and to my surprise I again got a reply “This is what happen in this world” and then I replied back “No, this happens because no one has enough guts to free thyself”. Then I decided to move out of this world of slavery. I planned to give Management Aptitude Test (MAT). Along with my job I studied for MAT. Nobody was there with me at that time. Now I think that was the golden period of my life because I studied for MAT not for anyone else but for self. From previous years my self confidence was already at stake but somehow I believed that this fight is for Independence of my thoughts, my identity. I thought of giving CAT after preparation of three month after resigning from current Job, MAT was just a step forward to it. I gave MAT and as soon I came back after exam I resigned from my job. After one month I got the result and was stunned as never before. I got 99 percentile in MAT and that is when I realized that the result of self confidence.

And during my MBA teachers told me —”Learn to serve companies and nation”

But I have realized now that you cannot get anything by being slave for money. I am sure that my country doesn’t need slaves but, it needs “self confident” people which can live happily and help others in living happily. This can only be achieved through understanding.

In all these roles, boy, student, engineer, M​BA, I have completely forgotten that first of all I am a “Human”, a subject in itself which needs understanding and this is what we should understand and learn in our early life – “The purpose of our existence and purpose of things around us”
So at the end I want to ask a simple question to everyone that –

Who were at fault of not making me realize this truth – My parents, my teachers, my friends…….or myself???????

“Hope you all will be having the answer for this, when you will ask this to yourself.”

By

Diwakar Pokhriyal

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